Pan-Nexal Humor
Gamer
Sung to the tune of 'All-Star' by Smash Mouth
Written by Jeff Willoughby (pending)
Posted to the OOC list by Trey Reilly
Somebody once told me
The GM's gonna roll me.
I ain't the sharpest brain in the game.
She was looking kinda scared
When the mummy in the chair
Began asking her for her true birth name.
Well, Cthulhu's coming, and he won't stop coming.
Fangs to the moon and I hit the ground running.
Did it make sense that I played this game?
Nintendo just doesn't feel the same.
So many ghouls, so little time.
Hope you rolled to notice the land mines.
You never gain if you don't strain;
You haven't lived if you don't game.
hey now. You're a Gamer.
Get your dice bag, go play.
Hey now, your'e a LARPer.
Get your outfits, get strange.
All we need is XP...
Only super-gamers get a cookie.
It's a dark night, and they say it gets darker.
You're rolling high now, but it's gonna get harder.
Now your character sheet's getting thicker;
The GM's gonna kill you a little bit quicker.
The game we play is getting pretty strange.
You're all doing well, but you know that will change.
Your car's on fire...roll Rotschreck.
You were getting whiny, so what did you expect?
Hey now. You're a Gamer.
Get your dice bag, go play.
Hey now. You're a LARPer.
Get your outfits, get strange.
All we need is XP...
Only super-gamers get a cookie.
Somebody once joked,
"I'd give anything for smokes.
I've been awake and gaming for the last week."
I said, "Yep, what a concept.
I could use a little sleep myself,
And I thing cigarettes would be real sweet."
Well, Cthulhu's coming and he won't stop coming.
Fangs to the moon and I hit the ground running.
Did it make sense that I played this game?
Nintendo just doesn't feel the same.
So many clues, so little time.
Man, that spell book sounds like a Seuss Rhyme.
You never gain if you don't strain.
You haven't lived if you don't game.
Hey now. You're a Gamer.
Get your dice bag, go play.
Hey now, you're a LARPer.
Get your outfits, get strange.
All we need is XP.
Only super-gamers get a cookie.
'Back to Top'
Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
Posted by George Pereira
12) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
11) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
10) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon."
9) "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"
8) "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers quality assurance people in its wake."
7) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
6) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."
5) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."
4) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
3) "By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. PREPARE TO DIE!"
2) "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"
1) "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
'Back to Top'
Hello, me friends. I've stumbled upon a most interestin' tale in me travels, which I thought I'd share with ye. Now, I can't vouch fer the authenticity of this wee transcript, but it does seem ta explain certain elements of the original Nexus . . .
~Fen Moxa
THE FIRST COUNCIL SESSION OF THE NEXUS
A Tale of Order, Chaos, Shaved Weasels, Bad Puns, and Heavy Artillery
(The council chamber: A bunch of chairs and a big table. The House founders start entering in dribs and drabs. TOCSIN walks to the head of the table and pulls a small gavel out of his pocket as the others begin to sit down. TOCSIN bangs the gavel.)
TOCSIN: Order, order.
GODOT: I'll have a beer!
POINDEXTER: But you already have one.
GODOT: Your point?
CLEESE: Spam, please!
HELVETIA: A fresh garden salad would be nice right about now.
AVALON: Thou shalt bringest me a jug of thy finest vintage.
LIGHTFOOT: Ya buyin', Tox? Pick me up a Coke.
TOCSIN: No, no, I meant come to order! Now, friends and fellow House Heads--
GALAHAD: Irregardless, I think I'd like a sandwich.
CLEESE: Hey, why don't we all chip in and get Lugosi a stake?
(LUGOSI suddenly bursts into the room amid the loud howling of wolves.)
LUGOSI: I heard dat! Damn it's blight out dare! (turning back) Cheeldren of de night, shut up!!
(The howling abruptly ceases.)
LUGOSI (cont.): Who de hell scheduled dis damn ting so early?? Zom of us need to zleep!!
ATHENA: Maybe we were hoping you wouldn't show up.
LUGOSI: Kviet, you bitch!
ATHENA: Bite me!
(LUGOSI bares his fangs and advances, ATHENA rises, pushing up her sleeves.)
TOCSIN: Please, settle down, you two. We have serious business to discuss.
(LUGOSI and ATHENA both take their seats.)
LIGHTFOOT (looking up from cleaning his gun): Business, ya say? Keep talkin'.
TOCSIN: Now, is everyone here? Let's see . . . wait, where's Fleming?
FLEMING (a quiet voice from the corner): Present.
(Everyone looks at the corner and TOCSIN takes out a flashlight and shines it at the darkness, revealing no one there.)
TOCSIN: Ah. So, Fleming's here . . . What about Abacus? Has anyone seen Abacus?
CLEESE (smiling mischievously): Yeah . . . as a matter of fact I did. He said to announce that he wants to officially change the name of House Abacus to House . . . uh, Octagon. Yeah, Octagon!
POINDEXTER (looking confused): Why Octagon? It's a geometric shape. It has nothing to do with his House at all.
CLEESE: I dunno, but that's what he wanted.
TOCSIN: Well, it's an issue to decide. That's a start in the right direction. Let's vote on it. All in favor?
(Most of the council shrugs and raises their hands. ARES looks around frantically.)
ARES: Wait! Ares confused! Ares thought was lunch! (bangs his metal gloved fist on the table with deafening booms) WHERE ARES LUNCH?? ARES WANT FOOD!!!
POINDEXTER (pushing up his glasses and shouting): Uh, we tabled that issue. And, uh, technically, in speaking of the subject, the proper term to employ would be "breakfast" not lunch. You see, the term comes from the saying "to break the fast," as in the, uh, fist meal of the day. Get it?
(ARES stops hitting the table and sits in intense thought, brow furrowed with concentration. Suddenly, his brain explodes with a small popping sound and he falls forward onto the table with a crash.)
GODOT: Thanks, bookworm, that noise was starting to make my hangover worse.
POINDEXTER: Would you please stop calling me that? I've developed lots of diverse interests.
ATHENA: Yeah, I'm sure you're a real Renaissance man.
GODOT: Anyway, speaking of hangovers, where's my other beer??
TOCSIN (with a sneaky look): But, friend Godot, you already had it.
GODOT: No I didn't.
(TOCSIN stares intensely into GODOT's eyes.)
TOCSIN: You already had your beer. It was very refreshing.
GODOT: Ahhh, that was good! (belches with a strange noise)
ATHENA: Pig!
CANTERBURY: Bless you, my son.
LIGHTFOOT: Never heard one like dat before! Sounded like he said "doba."
GODOT: Doba?
LIGHTFOOT: Yeah, doba.
GODOT: Doba! I like the sound of that.
TOCSIN: So, my friends, can we now get back to the matter at hand?
CLEESE: Whose hand?
(Everyone looks over at CLEESE to find that he's become a giant clay hand with a face.)
CLEESE (singing): Hamburger Helper--makes a great meal!
(LIGHTFOOT takes out a gun and shoots CLEESE. The sound of the shot wakes ARES.)
TOCSIN: Thank you.
LIGHTFOOT: I'll put it on yer tab.
TOCSIN: Nonsense, I've always got money on me. (searches for his wallet with growing confusion) Where the hell--? Hey, my wallet's missing!
(LIGHTFOOT puts on an innocent expression and begins whistling.)
AVALON: `Zounds! My purse hath likewise been most basely pilfered!
POINDEXTER: Hey, uh, mine's gone too!
CLEESE: So's mine!
ATHENA: You don't carry a wallet, loony.
CLEESE: I know, but they still got it! Clever bastards!
(ARES gets excited by all the yelling, picks up a large machine gun from the floor, and begins firing it indiscriminately. Everyone screams and dives for cover except for AVALON.)
AVALON: Peace, fool! Put up thy mistempered weapon!
(ARES stops and looks at him.)
ARES: Huh?
AVALON (after looking around awkwardly): Cut it out.
ARES: Oh. Why not just say so?
(ARES sits down calmly, the others look in shock at AVALON.)
AVALON: Can we just get on with this, please? I got a Living City game in half an hour.
(Everyone takes their seats again. In the silence that follows, the disembodied voice is heard again.)
FLEMING: Pssst, Lightfoot stole the wallets, pass it on.
LIGHTFOOT: What--? Who squealed? If I ever find ya, ya dirty rat--!
GALAHAD: Irregardless, who was that?
HELVETIA: It came from that potted plant in the corner! The plants are speaking to us!!
(HELVETIA leaps up and begins dancing.)
CANTERBURY: Stop that, you heathen! It was only Fleming!
(HELVETIA, deflated, sits down again.)
ARES: Huah! . . . Huah!
GALAHAD: Irregardless . . . what the hell are you saying, Ares?
ARES: Oh, Ares sorry. Have something in throat. Ares trying to bring it up. Huah! Huah!
LIGHTFOOT: Hey, anybody wanna switch seats with me? I'm gettin' nervous, here. Cut it out, Ares!
TOCSIN: Moving right along. (smiling pleasantly again) My friends, I've called you all here today to discuss certain matters of great importance. Namely, why we're all here, what the Nexus is--
CLEESE: Oooh, ooh! I know! It's a line of fine quality hair-care products!
TOCSIN: Quiet! As I was saying--
LUGOSI: Ve at House Lugosi belief zat ze Nexus is a dark and tlagic place, full of misery, angst, and dlama.
POINDEXTER: And board games.
GODOT: And beer!
CLEESE: No, no! I got it!! It's actually a game that was designed by a big, algebra-addicted, shaved weasel for these strange, pathetic creatures who gather together for their only chance at social interaction! And it's got this really weird rules system that doesn't always make much sense and contradicts itself sometimes and . . . (shakes his head) Nah! That's too bizarre! Forget I mentioned it.
GODOT: Good, you were starting to scare me there, dude.
TOCSIN: So, other opinions? What is the Nexus and why are we here?
(A choir of Angels is heard.)
CANTERBURY: The Lord works in mysterious ways . . . (turns to CLEESE) You can stop that now.
(CLEESE shuts his mouth and the sound of the Angels stops.)
CANTERBURY (cont.): And since I'm on the subject, I believe the Nexus needs a god to worship.
HELVETIA: How about a bunch of gods?
LUGOSI: Vaat about Chuthulu?
CLEESE: How about that shaved weasel?
TOCSIN: May I, humbly, suggest myself? I believe I have all the qualifications of a good deity and--
EVERYONE ELSE: Hell, no!!
TOCSIN (puts his hands up in surrender): Okay, okay, just a thought. Actually, I wasn't even serious . . . (he laughs a merry chuckle which quickly dissolves into an angry muttering)
IIZAK: What about me?
(Everyone turns to see the six-foot lizard suddenly standing in the room.)
AVALON: And who art thou, sir, to disrupt our fair gathering thus?
IIZAK: I'm Iizak, the Nexus God . . . oh, damn! I'm not here yet! Sorry guys, this time stuff gets so messy!
LIGHTFOOT (pointing to IIZAK): Ares, sic `em.
(ARES rises gleefully and the chest of his battle armor opens to reveal an impossibly huge, telescoping cannon. A miniature tactical nuclear missile suddenly erupts from the cannon with a roar. IIZAK disappears in a small, mushroom-clouded explosion.)
TOCSIN: All right, now back to business--
(Suddenly, the door opens and CALYPSO enters.)
CALYPSO: Excuse me, boys, but I just wanted to announce that I've formed my own House. House Calypso is now open for business!
TOCSIN (drops angrily into his chair and tosses the gavel aside): Well, this is going wonderfully. Just peachy.
ATHENA: Get out of here, you slut! You betrayed the cause!
CALYPSO: Oh, shut up, Gretchen. You're just bitter `cause you never get any!
ATHENA: My name is Athena, virgin goddess of wisdom!! Ares, gimme that gun!
CLEESE (turning to the camera): Can you say sexual repression, kids? I knew you could.
GODOT: Oooh, cat fight! Cat fight!
(ATHENA stands and begins to move toward ARES, but HELVETIA places a gentle hand on her shoulder.)
HELVETIA: Now, now, can't we settle this peacefully?
ATHENA: Back off, Mr. Green Jeans, or that hand's gonna be your next meal!!
(HELVETIA quickly removes his hand and quietly sits down again. LIGHTFOOT bursts into loud laughter and even GALAHAD and CANTERBURY snicker. ATHENA stands before ARES, hand outstretched. ARES looks uncertain.)
ATHENA: Gun! NOW!!
CALYPSO: Hey guys, free samples to the first five customers!
(CALYPSO then runs out the door as ATHENA grabs the gun from ARES and fires a burst at CALYPSO's retreating form.)
TOCSIN: Well, now that that's done with--
GODOT: Free samples? It's been fun, guys, but duty calls! Doba!
(GODOT leaps from his chair and runs from the room after CALYPSO.)
LIGHTFOOT: Hey, I'm down with that!
(LIGHTFOOT gets up and jogs out the door. TOCSIN holds out his hand.)
TOCSIN: But, friend Lightfoot, please, you can't just--
FLEMING (from the light fixture): I'm gone too.
TOCSIN: But, Fleming, we had a deal!
FLEMING (from GODOT's empty chair): Yeah, but not a Bond.
CANTERBURY (hands clasped in prayer): Dear Lord, grant me the strength to resist temptation and . . . ah, screw it! Wait for me, guys!
(CANTERBURY leaps up and runs from the room. ATHENA grudgingly hands ARES his gun back. ARES begins stroking the machine gun lovingly and cooing soft endearments to it.)
ATHENA (disgusted): Men!
(ATHENA leaves.)
TOCSIN: But, Athena, you could . . . bitch!
LUGOSI: Good riddance, anyvay.
AVALON: Well, time for my game--er, uh, Journey. Later.
(AVALON leaves. TOCSIN sits, deflated.)
TOCSIN: Well, there goes the quorum.
(Suddenly, ABACUS appears at the door. TOCSIN brightens.)
ABACUS: Hey, sorry I'm late but there's this brand new thing in the Nexus called a computer. It's really cool, I've been checking it out. In fact, I've decided to re-name both myself and my House.
CLEESE: It's too late. It was done already and they renamed your House Octagon. I tried to stop `em but they ganged up on me! It was all Lugosi's fault!
ABACUS: WHAT?? Octagon??? But that's just. . . lame! It makes no sense at all! You suck, Lugosi, you know that?
LUGOSI: Zo I haf been told.
ABACUS: Yeah, well that does it! I'm gone, man! You can keep your stupid Nexus!
(ABACUS storms off.)
TOCSIN: But, but . . . aw, this fuckin' place is hopeless!
CLEESE: Hey, Tocsin, I have a suggestion.
TOCSIN (glaring suspiciously at him): What?
CLEESE: How about if you formed a committee to settle all this stuff? Fewer people to deal with . . . and the work'll get done much faster.
TOCSIN: Why, that's actually a very sensible suggestion! That could work beautifully! Galahad, Poindexter, Helvetia, Lugosi, you, and me will be the members of the committee to explain everything in the Nexus! We'll have it all set for the new Avatars so they know exactly what's going on!
CLEESE: Sounds great! How `bout I get in touch with all you guys once we've all had some time to think it over?
TOCSIN: All right. Have your people contact my people.
(CLEESE gets up and leaves the room, unable to keep from bursting into maniacal laughter as he reaches the door.)
LUGOSI (casually): Vell, zince ve zeem to haf zom time, vould any of you care to zee a new game I've inwented? Perhaps play-test it for me?
POINDEXTER: Sure.
(LUGOSI then pulls a small deck of cards and booklet from his pocket.)
LUGOSI (handing TOCSIN the rules booklet): I call it . . . Magic: Ze Gazering.
(Catching sight of the deck, GALAHAD gasps and makes the sign of the cross upon himself. Grabbing ARES, he hastily drags the hulk, who is still speaking to his gun, out the door. HELVETIA watches GALAHAD leave in puzzlement. Then, glancing over, he sees TOCSIN and POINDEXTER beginning their first hand of Magic. A chill courses down the entire length of his body. Without hesitating, he runs to the corner and snatches up the potted plant.)
HELVETIA: You should not be made to witness such things, little one.
(HELVETIA exits quickly with the plant. LUGOSI watches him leave, then slowly strides to the door himself, turning back once to make sure the pair are still playing.)
LUGOSI: Yes, dis vas a good council zession, ve must do it again zometime. But not so damn early!
(LUGOSI smiles, turns, and strides out into a slightly darker Nexus.)
TOCSIN: Ah ha, I won! I think I like this game! How `bout another round, Dex?
POINDEXTER: Yeah, definitely. I mean, we can stop whenever we want, right . . .?
THE END
'Back to Top'
The Top Ten reasons to attend BU:
By Jason DeLuca
10) University? I thought this was a movie tour.
9) I'm not in Kansas anymore. (remember to Carry on my Wayward Son or you'll be Dust in the Wind)
8) My saucer crashed. Here.
7) They threatened my dog.
6) I had a critical failure on my teleport spell.
5) I made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
4) I was paid to come here- This worries me.
3) I was kidnapped.
2) I like it here.
1) Fnord.
'Back to Top'
Top Ten Top Ten Lists of 1999
Compiled by Alf Cunha
Rookie of the Year:
1. Moogumby (93)
2. Paisley (79)
3. Eve (58)
4. Bishop of Delphi (57)
5. Spritely Fellow (53)
6. 11209007 (50)
7. Myuu (48)
8. Valeria Kane (42)
9. Thomas O'Malley (36)
10. Eddie Dean (29)
Top Ten Most Missed Avatars:
1. Doinky (94)
2. Fomac (76)
3. Tandelleo (61)
4. Nemesis (60)
5. Colonel Malthus (59)
-. Nilaviri DeVive (59)
7. Talgar (51)
8. Captain Obvious (48)
9. McCoy (46)
10. The Blue Guy (45)
Top Ten Pains in the @$$:
1. Jack McFly (107)
2. Lucas Jamison (78)
3. Canis Minor (70)
4. House Godot as a whole (57)
5. Prinz Morgan Smythe (51)
6. Myuu (48)
7. Pan (43)
8. Bishop of Delphi (37)
9. Lovious (35)
10. The Nifty One (33)
Top Ten Babes:
1. Valeria Kane (96)
2. Canis Major (78)
-. Meleena Bunny (78)
4. Salina (76)
5. Eve (73)
6. AElfgifu Germegath (71)
7. Bishop of Delphi (53)
8. Demonica Nightshade (51)
9. Raine (41)
10. Lovious as a woman (23)
Top Ten Hunks:
1. Canis Minor (58)
2. Scoop (48)
3. TMUTB (38)
4. Zip (32.5)
5. Val Chevreux (30)
6. Vincentio (28)
7. Ronnie Creed (23)
8. Bron price (21)
9. Lovious (19)
10. Kuni Talgar (17.5)
Top Ten Costumes:
1. Valeria Kane (91)
2. The Furies (73)
-. Moogumby (73)
4. Kuni Talgar (59)
5. Toxin as a whole (58)
6. Amorpheous Bunny (57)
7. Kagato (51)
8. Xur (42)
9. Corporal Mills (37)
10. Agragone (28)
Top Ten Quotes:
1. "I am NOT a drug dealer!" - Doinky (69)
2. "Old boss, new boss... oh, this isn't good at all" - Canis Minor at the approach of TMUTB and Bishop of Delphi (55)
3. "An offering? (grabbing Sailormallard by the neck and passing him to damean) Light 'im up" - Valeria Kane on being asked for a burning
offering (51)
4. "Mind if I read your future?" / "uhm... okay" / "your future does not bode well, draw three cards (fireball)" - Kilraven / Talgar (48)
-. "How do you guys LIVE with this thing!?" - Valeria as a male (48)
6. "Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't" - Bron Price (47)
7. "I... that's not FAIR!" - Canis Minor after a Bishop liplock
8. "My figures! Mine! Mine!" - Xur as a child (41)
9. "DOBA!" - Godot motto (29)
10. "We must go forwards, not backwards; upwards, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!" - John Steed (23)
Top Ten Items:
1. Dilopterop of Uncertainty (67)
2. Thingamajig (61)
3. Harold's Purple Crayon (50)
4. Lowrider (49)
5. King Drygar's Seal (41)
6. The Nemis (38)
7. Apocalyptic Steeds (37)
8. MUD critters (31)
9. Rhubarb Pie (30)
10. Sword of Tempus (28)
Top Ten Groups We'd Like to See Disbanded:
1. MUD (67)
2. Nexus Council (66)
3. New nexus Religion (58)
4. Sheriff's Department (46)
5. House Toxin (40)
6. Prince Geoffrey and his multiple personalities (39)
7. Requiem Guild (38)
8. House Delphi (35)
-. The Furies (35)
10. Triumvirate (34)
Top Ten Hardest Working Players:
1. Janette Beck (118.5)
2. Alf Cunha (106.5)
3. John Paine (102)
4. Mike Smith (84)
5. Trey Reilly (72)
6. Paul Manjourides (70)
7. George Pereira (47)
8. Mike Costalas (42)
9. Geoff Schaller (41)
-. Alyn Hunter (41)
'Back to Top'
The 1999 Darwin Awards
Posted by Adam Parnau
The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)...We proudly present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:...
5th runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St.Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up: "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that" Payne said.
1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at theUniversity University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now this year's winners:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on theother side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
'Back to Top'
Comprehending Engineers
Posted by Adam Parnau
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $ 1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
----- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
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Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's cool."
'Back to Top'
Top Ten Top Ten Lists of 2000
Compiled by Alf Cunha
I - Rookie of the Year
1 - Jarrit Lang (110 votes)
2 - Kai Morgant (106 votes)
3 - Menolly (99 votes)
4 - Socket (98 votes)
5 - Ty Verrat (96 votes)
6 - Hyran Starseeker (59 votes)
7 - House Cleese (57 votes)
8 - Crafty (53 votes)
9 - Johnny (36 votes)
9 - Samantha Kane (36 votes)
9 - Indigo (36 votes)
II - Top Ten Dumbest Moves
1 - Pippin not wearing underwear while doing slow-fu in a kilt (84 votes)
2 - Zero attempting to blow up Lovious, then openly telling the person standing next to him to stand clear of the blast radius (83 votes)
3 - Kai and Steed walking into a huge and somewhat obvious ambush (80 votes)
3 - Zero asking Valeria to kill Bron, resulting in Zero's death (80 votes)
5 - Paisley and Nifty's marriage (60 votes)
5 - Cappy allowing Menolly to deliver a note to Xarkol, resulting in her death (60 votes)
7 - Thomas O'Malley attempting to hug Scoop Junior (59 votes)
8 - Eve walking into a military encampment and asking for the opposing side (51 votes)
9 - Killer riding a motorcycle through a Nexus portal - he makes it through, but the bike vanishes and leaves him imbedded in a video screen at Steed Labs (51 votes)
10 - Everyone in Meleena's territory warned not to use magic, followed by Saint Moko employing a toon power and devastating the territory (49 votes)
III - Top Ten Greatest Moments
1 - Tybalt losing (60 votes)
2 - Scoop serenading another avatar with ten backup singers and a MUD-critter kick line (59 votes)
3 - A group of avatars in New Columbia singing 'Happy Birthday' to a 20- story monster to cheer it up (51 votes)
4 - Slow-Fu (43 votes)
5 - Kilraven dealing 2,000,064 points of damage to Chickenman, who then pulled an Ace on defense (36 votes)
6 - Thomas O'Malley attempting to teach Cappy Zoom to fly a helicopter (32votes)
7 - Voting that Bishop Blue never existed, and having it pass unanimously (30 votes)
7 - The entire Nexus agreeing to a single course of action in less than 15 seconds (30 votes)
9 - Kilraven, in a Zip costume, beheading Chaos' general in one swing (28 votes)
10 - Bishop and Paisley's farewell scene (26 votes)
IV - Top Ten Nexus Quotes
1 - "How do you guys LIVE with this thing?" - Valeria as a male (55 votes)
2 - "DOBA!" - Godot motto (54 votes)
3 - "Michael Lovious Smith, you must stand here (turning to a nearby avatar) and you come with me, you don't want to be caught in the blast radius" - Zero (43 votes)
4 - "Wait until my secretary asks what I did over the weekend ... I came all over a bald man!" - Sean Jaffe (42 votes)
5 - "Tybalt loses? ... GOD DAMMIT!!" - Tybalt (40 votes)
6 - "Suddenly ... nothing happens" - Vinny (37 votes)
7 - "Lovious! ... Bomb! ... Hide!" - Steed running into the Council Chambers (35 votes)
7 - "Theoretically, a cheez doodle could eat the moon - but we're not talking theory here, are we?" - Found on a napkin, source unknown (35 votes)
9 - "No sex in the bathroom!" - Mike Smith (33 votes)
10 - "Hello, do you have any butt plugs? ... No? ... How about bedpans, do you have those?" - Samantha Kane calling Home Depot at 2am, after being paid to do so by Kilraven (31 votes)
V - Top Ten Nexus Villains
1 - Chickenman (71 votes)
2 - Tybalt (69 votes)
3 - Xarkol (57 votes)
4 - The Triumvirate (56 votes)
5 - Bishop Black (50 votes)
6 - Scoop (40 votes)
7 - Bron Price (37 votes)
8 - Zarloff (35 votes)
9 - Agrogone (30 votes)
10 - Bayushi Taga (28 votes)
VI - Top Ten Avatar Costumes
1 - Valeria Kane (117 votes)
2 - Eve (90 votes)
3 - Sir Slick (75 votes)
4 - 11209007 as Jester Prawn (69 votes)
5 - Bayushi Taga (57 votes)
6 - Tybalt (44 votes)
7 - Lanfear (35 votes)
8 - Argyle (28 votes)
9 - Kilraven as Zip (25 votes)
10 - Harald Watertongue (24 votes)
VII - Top Ten Nexus Babes
1 - Eve (89 votes)
2 - Valeria Kane (87 votes)
3 - Salina (80 votes)
4 - Lanfear (63 votes)
5 - Menolly (55 votes)
6 - Nilaviri (51 votes)
6 - Sallara (51 votes)
8 - Ælfgifu (47 votes)
9 - Bishop Blue (34 votes)
10 - Myuu (31 votes)
VIII - Top Ten Rules That Shouldn't Exist
1 - Changing Houses means losing house skills (58 votes)
2 - No rule for backstab/ambushes (47 votes)
2 - Toon Immunity to death (47 votes)
4 - Adaptations and the Tech genre (46 votes)
4 - Casino rules in the rulebook (46 votes)
6 - Terrans getting 140% AP (42 votes)
7 - No rule for unconsciousness (40 votes)
8 - Shields require proficiency (39 votes)
9 - Toons having lethal powers (34 votes)
10 - Only 20 AP at first level (32 votes)
IX - Top Ten Avatars you'd Least trust
1 - Tybalt (71 votes)
2 - Chickenman (64 votes)
3 - Scoop (54 votes)
4 - House Lightfoot (51 votes)
5 - Lucas Jamison (41 votes)
5 - Bron Price (41 votes)
7 - Lovious (32 votes)
8 - Everyone but the Triumvirate (29 votes)
9 - Bridge (26 votes)
10 - Kagato (24 votes)
X - Top Ten Badasses
1 - Bron Price (56 votes)
2 - Kilraven (53 votes)
2 - Bridge (53 votes)
4 - Scoop (51 votes)
5 - Agrogone (44 votes)
6 - Valeria Kane (40 votes)
6 - Bishop Blue (40 votes)
8 - Lovious (39 votes)
9 - Tybalt (35 votes)
9 - Saint (35 votes)
'Back to Top'
"Leaving for the Jetport"
Written by Adam Parnau, to the tune of 'Leaving on a Jetplane'
My phys-reps are packed, I'm ready to go.
I'm standing here outside the door.
I hate to leave Third Floor, be on my way,
But it's time to hit the highway.
The driver's driving, I'm reading the map,
Already we're so lost that I could cry.
So costume and scene with me,
Tell me that you'll LARP with me,
Host events for us, and we'll go.
'Cause we're leaving for the Jetport!
Don't know when we'll be back again.
Oh, yeah, we have to go.
There's been so many times we've played our game,
And so many characters of fame;
I tell you now, we hold them dear.
Every place I go, I'll wear my pin,
Every hot-tub I see, I'll dive in.
When I show up, I'll bring some extra beer.
So costume and scene with me,
Tell me that you'll LARP with me,
Host events for us, and we'll go.
'Cause we're leaving for the Jetport!
Don't know when we'll be back again.
Oh, yeah, we have to go.
Now the time has come to go on home,
One more scene before the drive home.
We pack our bags, go on our way,
Dream about the cons to come.
When I won't have to game alone,
About the times I won't have to say...
Costume and scene with me,
Tell me that you'll LARP with me,
Host events for us, and we'll go.
'Cause we're leaving for the Jetport!
Don't know when we'll be back again.
Oh, yeah, we have to go.
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